My Story

Growing up in a meat-and-potatoes family with a meat-and-potatoes background in the middle of the meat-and-potatoes Midwest, my diet wasn’t always ideal. I was a chunky little kid raised on the Standard American Diet: buttered Pop-Tarts, Hamburger Helper, canned vegetables on rare occasions with a [not-so] healthy dollop of butter. My love for video games and my parents’ jobs (Mom worked second shift, Dad’s a truck driver) didn’t encourage any sort of physical activity or homemade cuisine, so more often than not it was a quick run to McDonald’s after school or a phone call to the pizza joint for a special Friday dinner.

As I got older, I became more aware of myself and, evidently, so did others, as they started to toss around the “fat-kid” nicknames. It wasn’t an everyday teasing session, but nobody likes to be criticized for their body size. I entered freshman year of high school and met great friends along the way. In order to gain control of my life and to gather the acceptance from others I sought after, I began “dieting.”

Look at all the skinny kids! They’re athletic, they move around, they’re thin, everyone likes them! That’s what I need to do!

So to impress the ladies and make friendships I severely restricted my intake of food and followed a modified Special-K diet. And then I developed more food fears, like eating everything fat-free, then avoiding all hydrogenated oils and crazy ingredients. I started counting calories and weighing all of my food. Day in and day out I would put food on a scale and look up the nutrition info so I could jot down exactly what I was putting into my body. I also began to run, and though I enjoyed it, I also abused it.

A summer came and went and nobody really commented on my body change – I had lost about 40 or 50 pounds, what was I doing wrong? I wasn’t. But I thought I was. So I kept on dieting, hoping that someone would notice and say something or that I would gain more acceptance from others. All the while I was slowly becoming less social, more lethargic and irritable, and dangerously thin. My sense of self-trust vanished and I could no longer rely on anything inside of me to tell me how to eat or feel.

Being thin was being happy.

Before college started I saw a therapist and had a few counseling sessions to try to help out my ED. I really didn’t like my therapist at the time and I felt the sessions were useless and her methods were “dumb.” She did piss me off enough that I stopped writing down my food intake and weighing things cold turkey, but I still counted my food intake mentally, something I wouldn’t stop doing until I gave it up for Lent about a year later.

College was a hassle on my life. I didn’t have easy access to cooking facilities so controlling my food intake was more difficult. Thankfully my campus has an extensive dining hall and finding healthy food wasn’t hard at all. I still thought about food every waking moment and would be worried about what others thought of me and how I was perceived.

I became vegetarian at this time, except for fish on occasion, after finding out one of my friends was a vegetarian, and I believe I initially did it to further reduce my calorie intake and to compete with him. My parents were ok with my decision, but this ultimately led to fewer meals enjoyed at home because they had no idea how to prepare not-meat-and-potatoes food.

I struggled to stay focused in my classes and food was always a chore and something I needed to worry about. I managed to maintain my 4.0 GPA, but my social life was non-existent and food and exercise constantly filled up whatever free time I had that I wasn’t using to study nonstop. I dropped to my lowest weight of 115 pounds, I was always tired, always cold, and eating was a daily battle. I got fed up with it and began to see a counselor on campus.

Over time I had my ups and downs, my successes (check out the Motivational tab) and setbacks. I went through a few counselors, talked to professors and gained new perspectives, visited Greece for school, and, finally as of this past summer, wanting to gain my life back, I went back to my original therapist with the full focus and desire to recover.

I’ve been doing therapy and learning about myself intensely for about 3 months, as of publishing this page, and while I’m not 100% recovered, I’m miles away from where I started. After learning about balance, trust, and self-acceptance, I feel better about myself and I’m well on my way to a recovered state of life.

Being thin doesn’t mean everyone will like you. It doesn’t mean you’ll be attractive or that you’ll gain more friends. Anorexia just provides a way to numb yourself from your true feelings and to avoid dealing with them. I can’t feel “fat,” but I can feel lonely, scared, lacking control, unworthy, unloved, and untrusting of myself. Enjoying life shouldn’t be something that brings me anxiety. These are the real things I need to face and I’m happy to say that I’m doing just that.

I still have my down days, days where I feel “fat” or depressed because I’m not as ripped as an airbrushed magazine cover, but I continue to push forward, suppress the negative thoughts and write, not only as a coping mechanism, but as a way to help others attempt to overcome their eating disorder woes. I’m not certain when I’ll be “recovered” from my anorexia and OCD, or if I ever will, but I know that every day is a new opportunity to move in the right direction and get one step closer to a happier and healthier existence.

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Currently I’m working on eating what I want, when I want, and focusing less on food rules and what I “should” be doing, according to all of the mixed and uninformed messages out there. I’m getting out with friends and being more social. I’m taking part in school activities and trying to improve my dietetic portfolio. I’m allowing myself to enjoy things I once loved: playing guitar, playing video games, reading, relaxing, enjoying good food with friends and family.

I’m now a vegetarian for health and ethical reasons rather than selfish and controlling ones. I care about animals and the environment and I do my best to make informed choices when and where I can. I choose to eat dairy and eggs only if they’re from organic, and, preferably, humane sources. I feel better when I consume fresh foods and heavy greasy foods don’t settle well with me. My food choices are mine and those around me that I care about will be willing to accept those choices because they care about me.

No one is perfect though – and we can’t always make the best choice in a given situation. So make the best of life, live it to the fullest, and learn to enjoy yourself. Life is short, and the goal isn’t to live forever, it’s to create something that will.

August 24, 2011