Mind Over Money

18 Feb 2012 1 Comment

by Daniel in Food, Life Tags: Frugality, Grocery Shopping, Money, Questioning Life

I mentioned recently that my tendency to live on a self-induced tight budget may be causing a great deal of physical and mental stress. I don’t like to admit that I’m better off than most when it comes to college kids and money, but I do have very supportive parents who are willing to pay for my groceries. That said, I still do my best to spend the money they give me wisely so as to not waste it. Unfortunately that money goes toward food and in their eyes none of it is “wasted” because I’m eating it. I tend to disagree because I could technically live without a great deal of the food that I do purchase (chia seeds, occasional sea vegetables, nuts, etc.).

I tend to judge myself when I’m at the store when it comes to “treating” myself. Oh, sure, I’d like some tofu, but beans are cheaper, therefore I’ll just stick to those. And then the local/organic debate comes into play and I’m overwhelmed with a mass of decisions about what it is I’m going to eat, who or what I’m going to harm in the long run, and what kind of nutritional benefits I’m going to reap.

Also, even though the only non-vegan thing I eat is yogurt, I still rely on nuts as a quality source of protein within my diet. The problem is they’re rather pricey. Eight dollars and upward per pound of most nuts tends to burn a hole in the pocket quickly, so I gravitate toward the pumpkin seeds, almonds and sunflower seeds that have a lower cost.

My parents, Mom more so than Dad, tell me that I shouldn’t worry about it and just get the food that I want. I don’t like that mentality though. Grocery shopping with my parents, I’ve noticed that their habits are pretty straightforward: It looks good, it tastes good, throw it in the cart. I strongly dislike the notion that “money doesn’t matter” when it comes to anything because it makes me feel like a pompous ass who has nothing to worry about and is better than everyone else. I’m not saying that that describes my parents (far from it, actually), but that’s how I feel about me. I know that’s something I need to work on, but for now it’s rather stressing to attempt to justify everything.

Right now I try to work off of a $20/week budget for myself. I usually end up spending $30-40 per week. For some reason, in my mind, $160 to $200 per month for one person just seems like way too much to be spending on myself, or any one individual for that matter. I don’t really know how much others are spending, but I’m also buying higher quality food at the same time, so I know that, in general, my costs are going to be a bit higher than the average student.

My shopping list kind of looks like this:

• Squash (I can’t function without some Kabocha in the fridge)
• Carrots, potatoes, sweet potatoes
• Greens
• Sale fruits and vegetables
• Dried beans
• Nuts and seeds when I need them
• Chia, flax, nutritional yeast
• Avocadoes, lemons, limes, parsley or cilantro
• Spices when needed
• Grains (oats, millet, quinoa, etc.)
• Yogurt and soy milk

I don’t always buy everything on that list every week, and I limit myself to mostly seasonal and local produce, which, yes, does mean that I haven’t eaten eggplant, zucchini, raspberries or peppers since September. They don’t grow where I live in this climate so I do my best to abstain from them not only for environmental reasons, but because they honestly taste inferior to those that are in season.

Why do I do it? Do I feel superior because I don’t give in to “out of season temptations?” Do I like the titles of “vegan” or “frugal”? Am I afraid that one day my parents won’t be able to fund my food so I don’t want to take advantage of it now and “get used to” having whatever I want to eat, whenever I want it?

I think it’s a bit of all of it. I hate feeling like a snob who eschews certain products, but for some reason a title gives me a sense of character and personality. At the same time I loathe myself for feeling this way because that’s wrong. I shouldn’t feel that I’m better than anyone else because of my food choices and I do my best to drop that kind of thinking whenever it happens. Again, it’s all just one big mental mind game that continuously haunts me every time I just want to get some food.

Am I spending too much? Should I be eating more “normal” foods? Why am I given such support while others have to eat sub-par food to stay in their budget? Why me? Why do I deserve it? Why can’t I suffer for everyone else?

Because I don’t need to. I stopped mid-sentence before writing the bolded line above. I realized that I needed to write that and see for myself what was in my head. Jesus suffered for everyone, I don’t have to, so why do I constantly feel the need to do so? My suffering isn’t going to make anyone else better off, so why do I feel that it will?

Why do I feel I’m spending so much on food? Why can’t I just go shopping?

Why can’t I just eat? What is left to discover about myself? I want a title, a name, prestige for myself. I want recognition, and love, and friendship from someone special. I want to be viewed as somewhat good-looking and appreciated by others. I want to do nice things for people and I want to make their pain go away. I still feel that being thin will get me where I need to be and I need to change that. So what else is there to figure out before I can just start eating?

I need to finish making yogurt and study for exams. At least writing still helps alleviate stress. ^^