Looking For Answers

A friend of mine just wrote a post recently and the idea of “eat to live” versus “live to eat” is still ringing in my head.

Some people live to eat; others eat to live; still others balance both perspectives, indulging at times without overeating. During the worst depths of my eating disorder and also during a large part of my recovery, I belonged to the first category: I was OBSESSED with food. It was all I could think about, it seemed, day in and day out. I’d plan meals days in advance, and most of my internet browsing revolved around food blogs and recipe databases.

It was, indeed, a dark and boring time of my life.

Then, somewhere along the way, my mindset rediscovered balance, and in turn, I rediscovered myself, old interests, old passions, a social life, and, most importantly, health

I can relate to all of it. I spend a massive amount of my waking time and energy searching for recipes, dreaming about food and anxiously awaiting the next time I can eat. I constantly look for ways to turn simple ingredients into amazing meals, though worries of nutrients and too much or too little of any given one tends to remove a lot of the enjoyment I’m seeking in the first place. I truly enjoy food and cooking, but at the same time I don’t want it to define me and I wish I didn’t base my life around it as much as I do now.

I sometimes wonder if I take so much pleasure in eating because my body is trying to savor the event when I give it the chance. Or, possibly, I just really gain a great deal of pleasure from food, many people do. Or both.

I think back to what I used to do before all of the food obsessions and blog readings and the only thing that comes to mind is video games. That and guitar, after I learned how to play, consumed a vast majority of my life and as my ED began there would be periods of time where I would play one or the other and completely forget about food until I was dizzy. That was also back when I didn’t know how to cook in the first place and would gladly eat most things my parents would make for me, granted I could weigh and measure and skip the toppings, of course.

I would like to stop worrying about food so much, honest. I gave some thought to the question “what else would I do with this time?” today and I’m truthfully lacking ideas. Video games, though fun, cannot sustain my attention (and my TV audio isn’t working as of this afternoon anyways…), and playing guitar typically requires me to hunch over a book or a tab site and my back begins to hurt. I could start to learn more music theory or brush up on Spanish but I don’t want to feel overwhelmed, especially once classes pick up again on the 23rd. Crossword puzzles end up being online and I typically don’t like to spend large quantities of time doing sedentary things in front of a computer. I like to read books, but I’m hard pressed to find anything to hold my interest lately. I wouldn’t mind hopping on a stationary bike or elliptical at the gym and watching TV, or watching some YouTube or listening to music on my iTouch, but then I get all anxious about food and having to eat more and so on.

I want to get rid of a lot of my food blogs in my reader, but the recipes keep me hooked. I don’t like how some of them talk about white and refined foods as if they’re the devil, how some talk about the benefits of one food while casting down another that someone on a different blog at the same time is spreading the virtues of. It’s just like the mixed message I receive from our society and media that we need to “eat less” and “cut down our portions,” yet when I do it, it’s bad for me. I think from here on out, every time a blog I read puts up something triggering I’m going to stop, delete and move on, recipes or not. Sounds good to me.

It has gotten to the point where I’m honestly considering a tin of sardines once or twice a week. I’m getting nervous about omega-3 in my diet, given the fact that ALA conversion to DHA and EPA is rather poor and supplementation with a multivitamin and vitamin D capsule aren’t tasks I really want to add to. I’m still just having a hard time justifying taking the life of another living creature just to better my health. Or maybe I should look at it from the perspective of survival of the fittest? Though it is also said that the meek shall inherit the earth…

Alas, I’m just in a tough bind I guess. I love food, I love cooking, and I love learning about new cuisines. I don’t love the triggering messages sent by other bloggers, the mixed dichotomy of our public health messages or the quantity of time and mental capacity I devote to food. I just want to do what’s right. If I could as God one question it would be “is it ok to kill an animal to benefit myself? Even humanely?”

I guess that’s two questions, but I’m sure He wouldn’t mind.

I’m just tired. Oh so very tired. Tired of being mentally and physically drained. Tired of always thinking about food, what I get to eat next, what I can cook next, how I’m going to prepare my next meal. Tired of being so frugal and tight with money. Tired of lacking hobbies to the point where I actually want to go to work and do so on weekends because I have nothing better to do. Tired of starving. Tired of not knowing the answer and always feeling that I’m just not doing enough.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

Please.

Edited to add: I’m writing this the morning after I wrote the rest of the post and I feel a bit better and more reassured about life in general. Maybe it was just a good night’s sleep, or maybe my luck is turning around. Either way, I think I’m going to try some new approaches in living. – Daniel

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