A New Day

I went to bed around 11:30 after playing Skyrim for 3 hours straight. I haven’t stayed up late enjoying myself with things like that in years except for the occasional instance that I’m usually not even fully aware of or engulfed in the happiness I should be feeling.

I noshed on a little bit of food around 7:30. And again at 8:30. Once more around 9:45. And a final bit of food before brushing my teeth around 11:15 happened too. I was hungry, I ate; I was thirsty, I drank. All was good.

I woke up this morning and could see a glimpse of light coming from my window. “What time is it?” is normally the first question that comes to mind. This time it was coupled with “Wow, that was a great night’s sleep. I feel rested and restored.” At the same time I felt an overall sense of contentedness and said to myself “Today is a new day, I will cherish it. I will love, enjoy and behold it’s glory, and I will do the same to my body because I have been given it to do the Lord’s bidding.”

I didn’t feel that overwhelming feeling of “Oh no, I overslept!” and for the first time ages I slept long enough to be this pleased in the morning.

May today be the beginning of a new day as well as a new chapter in my life. May God bless you all in your endeavors and wishes of the best of luck to you and your goals, whether they be to spend more time with loved ones, take better care of yourself, or play video games for an extended period of time because you know that you don’t have to justify doing so and that once classes start you’ll easily adjust to cutting back without any problems at all.

You deserve it.

We deserve it.

Looking For Answers

A friend of mine just wrote a post recently and the idea of “eat to live” versus “live to eat” is still ringing in my head.

Some people live to eat; others eat to live; still others balance both perspectives, indulging at times without overeating. During the worst depths of my eating disorder and also during a large part of my recovery, I belonged to the first category: I was OBSESSED with food. It was all I could think about, it seemed, day in and day out. I’d plan meals days in advance, and most of my internet browsing revolved around food blogs and recipe databases.

It was, indeed, a dark and boring time of my life.

Then, somewhere along the way, my mindset rediscovered balance, and in turn, I rediscovered myself, old interests, old passions, a social life, and, most importantly, health

I can relate to all of it. I spend a massive amount of my waking time and energy searching for recipes, dreaming about food and anxiously awaiting the next time I can eat. I constantly look for ways to turn simple ingredients into amazing meals, though worries of nutrients and too much or too little of any given one tends to remove a lot of the enjoyment I’m seeking in the first place. I truly enjoy food and cooking, but at the same time I don’t want it to define me and I wish I didn’t base my life around it as much as I do now.

I sometimes wonder if I take so much pleasure in eating because my body is trying to savor the event when I give it the chance. Or, possibly, I just really gain a great deal of pleasure from food, many people do. Or both.

I think back to what I used to do before all of the food obsessions and blog readings and the only thing that comes to mind is video games. That and guitar, after I learned how to play, consumed a vast majority of my life and as my ED began there would be periods of time where I would play one or the other and completely forget about food until I was dizzy. That was also back when I didn’t know how to cook in the first place and would gladly eat most things my parents would make for me, granted I could weigh and measure and skip the toppings, of course.

I would like to stop worrying about food so much, honest. I gave some thought to the question “what else would I do with this time?” today and I’m truthfully lacking ideas. Video games, though fun, cannot sustain my attention (and my TV audio isn’t working as of this afternoon anyways…), and playing guitar typically requires me to hunch over a book or a tab site and my back begins to hurt. I could start to learn more music theory or brush up on Spanish but I don’t want to feel overwhelmed, especially once classes pick up again on the 23rd. Crossword puzzles end up being online and I typically don’t like to spend large quantities of time doing sedentary things in front of a computer. I like to read books, but I’m hard pressed to find anything to hold my interest lately. I wouldn’t mind hopping on a stationary bike or elliptical at the gym and watching TV, or watching some YouTube or listening to music on my iTouch, but then I get all anxious about food and having to eat more and so on.

I want to get rid of a lot of my food blogs in my reader, but the recipes keep me hooked. I don’t like how some of them talk about white and refined foods as if they’re the devil, how some talk about the benefits of one food while casting down another that someone on a different blog at the same time is spreading the virtues of. It’s just like the mixed message I receive from our society and media that we need to “eat less” and “cut down our portions,” yet when I do it, it’s bad for me. I think from here on out, every time a blog I read puts up something triggering I’m going to stop, delete and move on, recipes or not. Sounds good to me.

It has gotten to the point where I’m honestly considering a tin of sardines once or twice a week. I’m getting nervous about omega-3 in my diet, given the fact that ALA conversion to DHA and EPA is rather poor and supplementation with a multivitamin and vitamin D capsule aren’t tasks I really want to add to. I’m still just having a hard time justifying taking the life of another living creature just to better my health. Or maybe I should look at it from the perspective of survival of the fittest? Though it is also said that the meek shall inherit the earth…

Alas, I’m just in a tough bind I guess. I love food, I love cooking, and I love learning about new cuisines. I don’t love the triggering messages sent by other bloggers, the mixed dichotomy of our public health messages or the quantity of time and mental capacity I devote to food. I just want to do what’s right. If I could as God one question it would be “is it ok to kill an animal to benefit myself? Even humanely?”

I guess that’s two questions, but I’m sure He wouldn’t mind.

I’m just tired. Oh so very tired. Tired of being mentally and physically drained. Tired of always thinking about food, what I get to eat next, what I can cook next, how I’m going to prepare my next meal. Tired of being so frugal and tight with money. Tired of lacking hobbies to the point where I actually want to go to work and do so on weekends because I have nothing better to do. Tired of starving. Tired of not knowing the answer and always feeling that I’m just not doing enough.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

Please.

Edited to add: I’m writing this the morning after I wrote the rest of the post and I feel a bit better and more reassured about life in general. Maybe it was just a good night’s sleep, or maybe my luck is turning around. Either way, I think I’m going to try some new approaches in living. – Daniel

New Found Empathy

Sympathy essentially implies a feeling of recognition of another’s suffering while empathy is actually sharing another’s suffering, if only briefly. Empathy is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another’s shoes".

I moved back into my suite this past Monday and I’ve been back to work since Tuesday. The past three days I’ve put in 8 hours of work (I can eat and work at the same time) and tomorrow I will be putting in 6 hours because I can only work 30 hours per week as a student. Before this time I used to only put 20 hours or so a week into cashiering at a retail store in high school, 12 hours at random locations on campus, or 15 hours during the school year. I’ve almost doubled my output and I’m having a slew of mixed emotions about it all.

First of all, I’m extremely proud of myself. This proves, to me at least, that I will be able to work a 40-hour-per-week job and that I can handle 8 hours of work in a day. I worry a bit less about what I’m eating and find it more important just doing the action of eating to fuel me throughout my work. I also feel excited that I’ll be bringing in more income that I can put toward my student loans and maybe set a small bit of it aside for a trip to Florida that I would love to take.

At the same time I also feel confused, almost lost. My days have consisted of working out in the morning, breakfast, work, coming home and cooking for either that night’s dinner or lunch and dinner the next night, watching some videos on the internet and reading, and going to bed. Rinse and repeat. Is life supposed to be this repetitive during the week when you have a job? I think it might be a bit perplexing to my body and mind that I’ve been working so much compared to what I’m used to, though I will admit it’s easier than going to class, studying and doing 15 hours of work per week. Maybe I just need to find more hobbies or put more effort into the ones I already have.

Which leads me to my last sensation from all of this: exhaustion. Before I could only sympathize with those who work long days and then come home and lack the energy or ambition to do much else whereas now I believe I can empathize. I don’t really want to cook or think or move around much after a long day at work and it saddens me somewhat because I’m on a computer most of the day to begin with. I can now see why many people, especially parents, resort to quick and easy methods for food, or why we invest in television or other things to entertain us without a physical input requirement.

However, I still cook, I still prepare healthy food; I still take the time to workout in the morning, stretch and move around a bit at work, and I’m trying to do my best to work on eating outside of my home. While I do feel the same exhaustion and fatigue that others do with a full-time job (at least for right now), I still make a healthy lifestyle a priority for me. Sure, it would be just as easy to throw a bunch of bread and carrot sticks and hummus into a box and take it with me, or grab some Larabars and Naked juice and fly through the day, or even eat all of the cookies that the bakery produces while they test recipes at work, but I wouldn’t feel as great as I do when I eat wholesome, nutritious food. I cannot believe that most of us honestly do not “have the time” to make healthy food or go for a walk in the morning for even 10 minutes. Sure, there are some special cases I can imagine, but for the most part, it’s a priority issue. I’m almost positive we’re all aware of this too. I just wish that people would stop lying – to others and themselves – and tell the truth “I don’t want to take the time to do x.” You have the time, but it’s not as important to you as it is to others, so you don’t do it. Just please stop saying “I don’t have time,” because most of us could easily make the time.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just work that’s got me a bit stressed and stretched at the moment. Am I the only one that feels this way? I doubt it, but sometimes I feel that way.

1643 Words About 2011

Well here it is, my contribution to the blog world’s vast archive of end-of-the-year recap posts. I’m far too lazy to go back and look at everything I’ve typed this year and do a link-back to the highlights, so it’ll be more about what I’d like to write about in the future. Plus, after an afternoon of ridding my computer of a Trojan and worrying about housing for my senior year of college, I think some writing would be a good idea to calm my anxiety.

I feel that I’ve made more large strides this year with my ED, school and my self esteem. I feel that there are more leaps and bounds to be made and more avenues to explore, but I’m confident about strolling off path and seeing what lies ahead… more or less.

This past semester I was able to take more study breaks and more than a few times I said, to be completely blunt and pardon my language, “f— this, I don’t want to do school work,” and thus I didn’t. I worked harder at being a team player and tried my best at performing in a group, even if my group members weren’t the greatest. I also delegated group work to the entire group (hey, what a concept!) and allowed myself to take a step back and trust that others could pull their weight and we would still end up with a successful end result. It was difficult, it was scary, and at times it drove me nuts, but I’m happy I did so.

I fretted constantly about Anatomy because the work intimidated me at first, but as I progressed through the semester, did well on the first few exams, and realized I only needed a 70% on the final to keep an A (the same applied with a 65% in another class), I slowly lost the urge to constantly spend my time in the lab studying or reviewing textbooks. I conquered fears of inadequate studying and, not surprisingly, I still managed to keep my 4.0. I’m thrilled that I was able to spend more time doing things other than school and still maintain my grades, but at the same time I felt I put my effort into the classes and I was prepared to get an A- or a B+ and be OK with it. I’m actually still looking forward to the day that that happens, and I think it’ll be a huge step in realizing perfection is indeed not a reasonable goal.

I was promoted, once again, at work to CBORD Nutritional Specialist and now I maintain the nutritional menu and database for our campus’s dining service as well as verifying gluten-free products and other allergens, inputting accurate nutritional information for new products, evaluating, creating and adjusting recipes, and a slew of other duties. This greatly boosted my self confidence and all of the skills I’m getting with this greatly buff up my resume. I actually feel competent and deserving for once and future job opportunities should come much easier and will be much more rewarding.

My exercise schedule, while still a strict schedule, has become a bit looser and the only running I do is at home or a bit of light jogging before my lifting on weight days. I alternate between stationary biking and elliptical (a personal favorite) while listening to Pandora in the morning. I also incorporate more lifting into my exercising and I find it enjoyable now. I continue getting up extremely early and I “only” work out for 20 minutes, but I find that anything more and I get bored and I’m still working on consuming enough food to fuel my body properly.

Since we’re talking about food, and it is a large portion of my blog, I must admit my eating habits are improving along with everything else. I’ve still got a long distance in front of me and I know obstacles will be placed in my path, but I’ve got enough drive in me to keep hopping over them with full force every step of the way. I’m beginning to develop my eating patterns and philosophies for myself rather than what I think everyone expects from me and I hope to continue doing so in the future.

I mean, seriously, how silly is it for me to feel I have to impress other bloggers out there who I have never met? And feeling like I have to be perfect all of the time (there’s that word again) with my diet is absurd. Living a vegan lifestyle involves reducing as much harm to animals as possible and within reason for my lifestyle. Or at least that’s what it means to me. I may still consume [organic/humane, if possible] eggs and dairy, but is that not still one step away from harming animals for their flesh? I think so.

Lastly, I’m beginning to realize the things that bring me happiness and what needs to be done in my life to take care of me versus trying to make everyone else happy 100% of the time. I started watching movies with my suitemates with the spare time I didn’t devote to studying (and finally saw The Lord of the Rings trilogy!), and I opened up to more of my friends. It’s hard to accept, but the truth is it really isn’t my job to constantly please everyone, to take away the pain and harm from everyone suffering, to be so frugal and make sure that I’m not hurting future or current generations living here on this planet.

The Lord died for our sins and saved us, I don’t have to abuse my body or bear that burden.

So what does 2012 hold in store for me?

I want to keep on writing. It’s becoming a passion for me and it helps me continue figuring out who I am and what I want to do with my life. A lot of my friends have dietetic jobs and such right now and seem so sure of what they want to do and sometimes I feel absolutely lost trying to determine the same for myself. I would love to have writing be an essential part of my career, or at least a minor relief from other duties. This blog may not continue to be about food 100% of the time – or it might – but those who enjoy reading hopefully enjoy reading because of me, not because of my food. Thus I will keep writing to help develop my character and identity rather than appealing to what I feel readers want to read.

I want to pick up my guitar more often. I want to play music and use it as a means of expression, enjoyment, and entertainment for others. I’d love to lose my stage fright and be able to perform in front of a few friends.

I want to play more video games. I want to find time, or even make some, to keep playing them – I love them and they were a huge part of my life, why should that change just because of college?

I want to keep fighting for what I feel is right. I want to make a movement – I want to continue promoting humane animal raising practices and the elimination of trans fats from our food system. I would love to start a campaign in Wisconsin to get the state trans-fat free like New York. Every little letter to a person in a higher position helps and I want to make a difference with my voice.

I want to get through my eating disorder and my exercise anxieties. It may still be a few years, but each year I know I’m getting closer and more able to incorporate less than optimal decisions into my daily life because sometimes life throws you a curveball and you have to roll with it. I want to develop a sound food philosophy and I want to be able to exercise or eat meals at different times in order to be more social.

Speaking of that, I want to get out and talk to more of my friends – or at least interact with my suitemates in my spare time more often. I want to be more social, expand my communication skills, and I would find it reassuring and enjoyable if I could find a girl who enjoys me and what I do as much as I enjoy her and what she does.

I want to improve my spiritual relationship with God. My connection wasn’t so great this past semester and making a better effort to get to a church more often would not hurt me any. He has done so much for me, it’s the very least I can do to show my thanks.

And above all else, I want to find happiness. The smiles I can evoke in my friends and family return to me and if I’m able to make myself happier and take care of myself better, I’m sure those smiles will come easier and be more plentiful.

Life is a series of choices we make and paths we travel along – it’s what we make it. Why spend so much time worrying about little things that don’t always matter and instead try to focus our energy on making ourselves and those around us happier, on making our paths a bit easier to walk along and a bit less lonely?

So this is to a new year with new happenings to come, new decisions to be made, and friendships to rekindle or form. To a new year of treating ourselves with the respect and dignity we deserve, and to nourish our bodies to enable us to carry out our lives to the best of our abilities.

May you all find good fortune and God bless you in the New Year!

Merry Christmas To All

I’m writing this in advance as the family has decided to take the day off from the internet for Christmas. I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a phenomenal day spent with whoever is blessing you with their presence.

Please take this day to celebrate the one real reason Christmas exists – to celebrate the birth of Christ, our Lord and Savior. He was born on this day and went throughout his life knowing that one day He would die for our sins to save us. Let’s give thanks that such a blessed day takes place and that we may enter the kingdom of Heaven because of Him.

At the same time, let’s also take care of the one person we have the most control over – ourselves. Celebrate the one live that the Lord has given you and live it to the fullest in His name. Enjoy the gifts of life – food, art, music, family, friends, laughter, smiles, happiness – and cherish them every day.

God bless you and have a fantastic holiday!

Taking the Second Route

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost

Life takes us down many roads and we often have to make a decision when we reach a fork in them. Sometimes literally – should I drive a different path to work so as to not be late today? – and sometimes figuratively like what we eat, who we interact with and the words we select in conversation.

Perfection is an illusion and more likely than not the choices we’re forced to make do not necessarily have a right or wrong answer and we usually have more than one option to go with. It’s choosing that second path, the one we don’t know as well, that can be frightening or seem lonely.

But take some time and ponder that road less traveled. Sure, you can keep taking the path you know so well, the one that doesn’t require you to think about what you’re doing because you’re so familiar with it, the one that feels “right” because you keep coming back to it only because it provides a sense of security, false or not, and temporarily comforts you.

Or you can walk down that second path asking yourself “what have I got to lose?” Sure, there might be a bump in that road, an overgrown tree root that sticks out beneath the snow that we stumble upon, but that bump jostles our mind and makes us more conscious of the decisions we make.

That road we hadn’t taken before usually doesn’t start out making us confident we made the “right” choice. Commonly we find that this path makes us uneasy and constantly questioning our rationale. But this path can also lead to new discoveries about ourselves, our lives and everything around us.

So the next time you come to a split in your path, think about which of the two paths you’re going to take. And remember, just because you can’t see any footprints down that road not taken by you before doesn’t mean it’s off limits. And don’t forget you will not walk that path alone.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)

Love the Ones You’re With

As the days dwindle down for the holidays, so does our time with loved ones. To make every moment count we ought to make the best of our efforts to spend time with those who mean so much to us.

Take today to spend time with your loved ones and say three simple yet truly meaningful words to them,

[Source]

“I love you.”

Family, friends, significant others, whoever it is that means the most to you, tell them you love them and enjoy the time you have with them. They’ll appreciate it more than you can imagine.

Building of the Houses

[Lots of building supplies]

[Cookies and more cookies]

[Smiles, fun, and concentration]

[True love, for real]

[No cooling rack – improvise]

[Mint-orange white cake]

[Bain’s garbage dump house]

[Carrie’s beach vacation getaway]

[Theresa’s LGBT-Safe House]

[Mark’s four-story structure…]

[…impaled snowman and all]

[Jackie’s rainbow Christmas cabin]

[Joey starting his house]

[Voted best in show]

[Kate’s fabulous festive fort]

[Shingling the cabin roof]

[Not bad for cheating]

[My interesting, unplanned abode]

[Bears in ball pit]

Fun. Family. Friends. Fantastic.

What are four words that describe Christmas for you?

Break Time

Hey everyone! A late post is better than no post I guess. Lots going on today with our graham cracker house building and cleaning so I guess a formal post completely slipped my mind. But not to worry as I’m still following the countdown theme and today I’d like everyone to take five and breathe. A couple of slow, deep breaths and a few minutes to collect ourselves as we dive into these last few days before Christ’s birthday. Take care everyone and I’ll be back tomorrow with house pictures!

Grab A Cool One

So far, in my experience of being a college student, I’ve noticed that drinking is something other college students find a lot of happiness and fun in doing. Add onto that the fact that we’re in Wisconsin where drinking is the state sport, it’s not uncommon for colleagues to discuss “getting $*@&ing wasted before 4 and doing homework” or partying all night long. It gets rather old to hear about and I still don’t understand how chugging thousands of empty calories in a matter of hours and then puking your guts out the next morning is enjoyable, but I guess that’s because I’ve never done it.

I’ll pass.

Actually, I’m not really one for drinking my calories at all since it doesn’t fill me up and most of the time holiday drinks are far too sweet for my taste buds. That’s not to say that I’ll deny a good sip of eggnog or some apple cider when it’s offered (if it’s not some kind of concentrate or mix, that is), but an entire glass of it to myself is a bit of overkill.

In celebration of a less-typical six-pack I want to know what your favorite holiday drink is! If you don’t want to leave a comment, then at least treat yourself to this loved mug of whatever it may be sometime before the holidays are over!

Are you more of a hot chocolate person? Something spiced and warming? Or do you tend to go for a minty delight? (Does peppermint schnapps count as a holiday drink? ) I do like eggnog and I’d love to have some authentically made, bourbon and raw eggs and all. I’m also hoping to make my mom a real chai latte sometime during my break, not one of those mixed crap packages or frilly, overly-priced and overly-sugared drinks you get at a coffee shop either!

So grab a glass of your favorite holiday drink (and maybe a cookie or two if you really like milk this time of year) and enjoy your Tuesday!